Saturday, February 23, 2013

Black Berry (this really happened)

The steep dirt trail poured out onto obdurate stones that gave way only occasionally to broad swathes of mussel shells, already emptied by seabirds. Crowning the sharp casings now were barnacles, as good at stabbing the foot as any unliving thing on the beach.

The sun was still slightly encased in haze from the faraway blaze of forest fires on the mountain. The air was red and the water roared its uneven waves onto the shore. The ocean was a million shifting shining spikes, and thick blackberry vines roped the beach round.

Tottering on, their quartet accompanied by dog lean and crouch into the million shards of light reflected on the waves or falling out of the sky. Each one contemplating then deciding; two women reach to the waist, disrobing and undressing in a single overlapped moment, dancing their way over the stone fragments and into watery weightlessness. Their shyer counterpart demurs to the stripped logs.

She takes her sweater off, leaving it to the side, and feels her skin burn. Kinder, the wind cools her and she finds she can bear it. In shoes and socks, she feels no effects from the pebbles and rocks. Still, she stays on the log watching the water through sunglasses. At least she can still pick up a signal here, sending nonvocalic messages back to the city. Connected.

He watches the water wave over the two women, but his love makes one more beautiful. With tethered attention, he moves in line with her, together in an affection transparent and visible. He takes off his shirt and submits to the cold ocean, then to her warm body. Laughing, they embrace.

The sun’s fractioned strength, slighted by the smoke of burning forest, cannot warm the lone woman. Without a lover’s heat, she slips out of the ocean and back to the sharp terrestrial world of stones and shells. Balancing on a bare log, she teeters along, finding each smooth surface with her feet and travels the edge, eating the fruit of the enclosing vines. It is sweet but sharp; juice stains just as well as blood from a thorn's cut.

The world is silent, other than the roar of the water. The sun, the ocean: they require no language and the mind begins to empty and open. Only the damp smell of smoke signals an ancient alarm to sound through, though without the burden of words.

Burning blood red now around the edge of the sky, the sun sinks further into flames reflected on the waves. It is time to go. Swimmers flock clumsily into clothes, sticking and wet. Barbed and silent, blackberry bushes coil the beach like a ancient serpent leaving only one entrance, one exit.

Uneven waves thrown against the rocks are the only sound, other than a foreign ping of messages sent through the ether. No birds. No bears. No voices. Even the dog is silent, sniffing around roots under logs, as though the smoke had stung their eyes and stolen away their voices.

Back along the track growing thinner as suckers seek more ground spreading their tender thorns into space. A spike find skin, purchase and small pain, a few drops of blood the price of passage. Hands to mouths bruise black with berry blood, gory grins prod seed-filled laughs.

Back on tracks empty of train cars and engines, a muted half-lit world of smoulder.
Suddenly more: a horn blasts, the engine's light close and getting closer. Another blare and blast, and all four – five, with the dog held close in the narrow ditch. The dog struggles against arms struggling against animal instinct to Run. And at once the train is on them, shaking the ground and air into quaking thunder and dust. Ditch, dog, arms, back, backpack, tracks and train: something bursts as the huge wheels grind past. Paper bleeds, spewing from the backpack in an arc across the tracks. Some thing small and hard and black bounces into pieces. And is gone.

Empty tracks again, the train already around the next bend but the shaking continues. Hearts in throats the five stand with grey fingers stock still but shaking. At their feet small pieces of black plastic and in one hand berries crush and stain to dark.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

How can you miss what you never had?


That's the feeling, the sense of missing something always out of reach, like an unseen colour, a stranger strangely familiar story land, the description of a taste, a future memory.
Hume might say the force of impression may fade, pressing reality into imagination, or if traffic runs both ways, here on that border is the desire for what was never known.
Or maybe it's like understanding only what a triangle is, and when a square is encountered at first it is only a "not triangle" and maybe the possibilities of more "not triangles" are imagined. Maybe that's the unknown colour, somewhere in the anti-spectrum there is another inconceivable but possible colour. And in moments of grace, no triangle, no not triangle, no thing. Yes.
Instead, I remember riding riding riding him, hand in sweat on his skin the joy between eyes and sighs. Yes.
And attempting to extrapolate joy out of bed and into the grind and sweat of everyday toil, those moments between eyes, fighting and fucking up into something new. The possibility of not triangle, but not knowing what the fuck the shape of things is. Everything gone Claire shaped.
Or maybe it's a trick of imagination and not memory, the delicious part; that sense of expanding joy, a seed spiralling shoots out enlivening all hours, destroying barriers and ruining limits, running roughshod over neat borders with its own quiet precision and intelligence. And love.
Love to love soaking through with all the everything and more.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Dreadweight?


For the past four years I've been living in a valley steep on mountains and high up sky. I've heard people from the prairies say that they felt claustrophobic when they first arrived, and it's understandable. Planted between the giant swells of mountains, often buried in grey clouds, it's easy to feel planted, coddled, or stuck depending on the day.
Of the people who moved here and away again, there are those who say, yes, there was a strange lulling, sometimes expressed as a reluctance to leave the valley. Of the people who have always lived here, they have always lived here and love it as the best place on earth. Mind your geography, now.
No matter where you go, there you are, and place is simply the setting for the mind. Sometimes changing place can make the mind stand out, the consistent thing when everything else has changed. Traveling can be valuable for that.
In this small womb-like valley it's easy to remain unfocused, unattached, undeveloped, nourished by mountains and air, never born, never to face challenges, to see what mettle exists: What is there? What is possible? What am I? In such a small place, transformation appears to be very difficult, and dreams can seem alien even to the dreamer. They are the blueprints of existence, endogenous and evolving, but like all living things require labour to be birthed into the world. This womb, these mountainous labia, what can be borne?
Such a small place needs a big sky, a long moment of possibility, a sense of opportunity that shouts HERE I AM and wakes the sleeper out of comfortable fear and into the dream. This dream is life. It could end at any time. Do not be afraid. Do not go back to sleep, even if it is enormously painful.
Bob Marley said:
"If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you won't give up. If you give up, you're not worthy... Truth is everybody is going to hurt you. You just have to find the ones worth suffering for."
True story.